I’ve written a Hollywood movie script. Aliens, on a dying planet trillions of miles from Earth, are watching us. And at the right time, they will attack. For a long time now, they have been observing what humanity is doing on planet Earth, trying to decide when the best time to invade would be. For the last 100 years—well, at least in the 20th century—they feared the economic and military might of a country called “The United States of America,” which kicked the whole world’s butt in two world wars, and was no pushover in the 1990 Gulf War. They think maybe they should wait a while before attacking Planet Earth....
But they are still watching. Planning. Looking at America’s current leadership. And probably laughing...
Well, that makes a pretty stupid sci-fi movie plot, I know, but no worse than what Hollywood has produced in recent years. But let’s consider it for a moment. What IF aliens were watching America? What would they see now? They might indeed be guffawing, or if they are intelligent beings, scratching their heads. Here are a few things that might cause them wonderment and eye-rolling.
1. They would see America, which our alien foes would know had had the strongest military in human history, pleasing its pansy class rather than preparing to protect the country. They might ask themselves, “Has America forgotten what a military is for? Don’t they realize they should be training the leanest, meanest fighting machine possible, rather than venturing out on some bizarre egalitarian, inclusivist experiment that couldn’t stomp a bug? Don’t they know about China? Militant Islam? Nuclear threats from Russia? Who is running that country now?” That last question is a good one, indeed.
2. The aliens see a country that won't defend its own border but will defend that of a non-entity country thousands of miles away. They don’t understand that, either. The aliens ask, “Why spend billions of dollars they don’t have protecting Ukraine’s borders but let millions of who-knows-what kind of people freely cross their own? Where is the consistency in that? How can such a country be trusted? Does America’s leader have a master plan to protect his country that we can’t see?” Well, if he does, we can’t see it, either.
3. The aliens see America letting its currency be trampled into dust. “On our way to Earth, we were going to stop at an Exchange Kiosk on Mars and get as many American dollars as possible. But...well, we don’t know. It seems like more and more countries are turning away from the American dollar. Maybe we should get Chinese yuan instead. From all indications, America’s leader and his son may have a few billion of those...” Yeah, probably.
4. The aliens see a country more concerned about the weather 100 years from now than its own current economic strength and energy independence. “How do they know what the weather is going to do 100 years from today? 50 years ago they said it was going to freeze again, now they are saying it’s going to burn up....Oh, the Brilliant Scientist Al Gore told them along with the Great Guru Greta Thunberg. So, they are pouring untold billions of dollars into ‘renewable energy,’ of which they have no clue if such will ever provide all their energy needs, in order to change the weather 100 years from now, something they are absolutely sure of.” Somebody needs to tell the aliens that the “master plan” is to confuse everybody as much as Joe Biden is confused. Consistency, facts, and wisdom are predictable. Who needs those things?
5. The aliens are a little spooked. “America has a President who shakes hands with ghosts, talks to dead people, and can’t coherently read a sentence off a teleprompter. He must have truly magical powers.” I guess that’s one way to look at Joe Biden. Most of us don’t take that interpretation, however. But if it scares the aliens away, I guess that’s one bonus.
6. The aliens listen as America’s President tells a child that the road to success is not hard work, integrity, and honesty, but to never question somebody's motives. The aliens, overwhelmed by such transcendent brilliance and wisdom, are just about to give up any plan of invading Earth. “The weak military, etc. must be a trap to entice us to invade. Then they will destroy us with windmills, solar panels, electric cars, and a diet of bugs!” Overwhelming brilliance, indeed.
7. The aliens see a country who won't protect its own children from perverted sexual predators, who won't protect women from men, who claims to not even know what a woman is. “Yes! Yes!” our aliens declaim. “Mr. Hitler said the Big Lie is the easiest to believe! Well, we won’t fall for it!” Untold millions of Americans have. To our eternal shame.
8. The aliens study a judicial system more concerned with somebody who gave hush money to a prostitute than it is thousands of murderers, rapists, and drug pushers on their street. “They don’t like this Trump fellow. He kinda scared us in the beginning, but maybe he’s a paper tiger. The plan must be to turn all those murderers and rapists loose on us.” But Big Alien’s Chief Advisor tells him, “But American Leader wants to take guns away from everybody. That will make it much easier to invade the country and conquer and control the people.” Big Alien slowly and thoughtfully nods his head...
But Big Alien’s Chief Advisor’s final advice is, “Let’s forget invading Earth. The Chinese are all thieves and murderers and will stab us in the back, the Muslims are still in the Middle Ages, Africa is nothing but dirt and animals, South America is drugs, jungle and snakes, Canada and Russia are refrigerators, and Americans have become so stupid that country isn’t worth having any more. Let’s find someplace else to go...”
A great plot for a Hollywood movie, right?